Unusual sexual positions4/13/2024 ![]() ![]() ![]() While I will say that the position did give my girlfriend a lot of access to my vag, and all the blood rushing to my head provided a mildly pleasant asphyxiation feeling, I didn’t understand why I was being forced to do a handstand in order to get head. ![]() As its name implies, it involves one participant sitting in a chair while the other does a kind of dirty downward dog-hands on the floor, ass in the air, and feet on the same chair her partner sits on. The most ludicrous of all was “Defying Gravity” (#6). “How’s that?” I asked, as she stood precariously on one leg while I kneeled before her. Even using the wall for support, we could not keep our balance, let alone finger-bang each other.īut what about “Wicked Warm-Up” (#16), a milder standing pose that involves one partner on her knees and the other standing with one leg draped on her partner's shoulder? Surely we could manage this one, I thought, sinking to the floor in what would have looked like defeat had I not been wearing cat ears. Our wrapped legs were less an anchor of support and more a maneuver that wouldn’t be out of place in a UFC cage match. Hug her close for support while she fingers you.” I was hugging my girlfriend close, because if I didn’t we both would have toppled to the ground. Cosmo’s instruction is to “Stand facing each other and each wrap your left legs around the other person. We tried to perform “Erotic Maypole” (#22), but found it literally impossible. Giving our thighs a slight rest, we attempted some of the standing positions. “I wish you were blowing something,” I thought. “Am I not blowing your mind?” my girlfriend asked as we attempted “Tantric Tete-A-Tete” (#17), a seated pose involving clit stimulation and a creepy amount of eye contact. How were we supposed to enjoy all the frotteurism if we were forced to do squats at the same time? After other “feel the burn” positions (“Kinky Jockey,” “Defying Gravity,” “Hot Hair Salon,” etc.), I had to wonder how the pleasure aspect factored in at all. I’d say about half of Cosmo’s positions were inspired by an editor’s frustrating Pilates class. I lasted about 30 seconds before my quads started burning unbearably (this, it turns out, would be a theme of the evening). Thus, we started with “Over the Edge” (#27), which involves a fairly standard grinding of the vaginas, but with the added bonus of doing so while one person is halfway off the bed. Since I am a masochist and an overachiever, I wanted to start with some of the most difficult positions suggested. Since we had already tried many of the suggestions for straight people, we were understandably wary, but at least, we told ourselves, nobody would be forked in the ribs this time (probably). But, in honor of Cosmo’s great leap into the 20th century, my girlfriend and I tried out several of its sex positions to see just how “mind-blowing” they might be. And while we can ostensibly agree that Cosmo’s acknowledgement of the existence of lesbian sex is a kind of progress, its suggestions for great lesbian sex are just as laughable as ever. While we may not have had the accessories illustrated in Cosmo’s first-ever lesbian sex guide, what we did have was determination, and a willingness to sit on each other’s faces backward for the sake of “science.”įor almost 40 years, since Helen Gurley Brown took over in 1967, Cosmo has been dishing out ridiculous sex tips for straight people involving everything from snorting pepper to performing fellatio with pastries. “I think we should wear the cat ears,” my girlfriend said as we puzzled over the bizarre accoutrements in Cosmo’s “28 Mind-Blowing Lesbian Sex Positions.” This article originally appeared on AlterNet. ![]()
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